my head is a dark and scary place. I shouldn't go there alone. Sorry I drifted.
Trauma can do that.
Trauma drama karma fuck. (Pulls fingers through hair) There are parts of my brain that are okay to be in. As long as you clarify the divides. Between countries/fantasies; moods
nothing bleeding into anything else. Clear-cut.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
there's a difference between reluctance and dread. Better adjectives for feelings. more expressive/helpful
there's a difference between reluctance and dread.
Dread causes stress which is a contributer to current condition. Multiplied Sclerosis. Open Heart Surgery. Decapitation with trepanning.
I can't tell you because you yell. I'm telling you at the wrong time. I told someone else first. I shouldn't be joking about it.
What about ME motherfucker. What about me? Can't get a word in edgewise. She is ringing just now. A psychic connection. Fuck me hard naked running backwards.
Stop calling me. I'm working. Yes, this is work. Mock it, say it's arrogant. Tant pis
If I can't fix you, by god, no one will. A doctor's sociopathic declaration of love.
You're not supposed to operate on your own famliy, dingbat.
NO
no
I will not address the bitch (I can call her that cause she's really a he. go figure) from between worlds.
My mother hasn't shown up. Duh. She would if she could. The lilac dresses. You know she didn't want to be seperated. You got lost in department stores, playing some sort of detective game in your head and getting lost and completely turned around.
Stop it! I CAN't draw attention to myself.
How can I tell you what's up with me without drawing attention to myself?
I'm having a terrible time with that currently. I've let myself go, physically. Made a consious decision not to give a shit.
In one physicans visit I got: Bad EKG, stress test ASAP (stress caused by trying to schedule stress test. who? obviously primary doesn't have a clue to administrative part of cardiac MD--YOU can't order a stress test. Who? In KW the choices are limited but present. (I want to say "I wish they weren't" but I have an odd phobia about the phrases: I wish and I'm glad that.
from childhood. at some point I realized 1) if I wished for something It would happen, but in the worst possible way and
2) If I used the phrase "I'm glad that..." Whatever it is I am glad about will be taken away.
maybe age 11? Something about missing a test...having to re-take it when the other kids got to go on the lawn! (not the macadam playground in back). A front-yard/not caged in rare spring treat. Even then, late 60's* there must have been fear of lawsuit if uncaged-in child got run over by a ... firetruck....
* You think I'm going to start talking about VietNam and Hair and shit now, but no. We were in the valley. A bubble of time warp back to when the coal mines shut down. NOW what do we do? Curtain #1: drink; Curtain #2: get a job (there are no jobs) Curtain #3: Invent an economy so you don't have to move. It'll never quite thrive; it will be flooded (1972 Agnes); burned (centralia); ignored and mocked alternately by its swiftly leaving youth.
Oh gods why am I on FB page "you're from Dupont?" gods help me to know myself. Help me not to lose the lessons but to loose the lessons onto a strange and stupid/stubborn population. I can't...I left but didn't make it there, couldn't make it anywhere, a ridiculous figure yet again. And small towns know how to ridicule. It's all they have to do. All we have to do. All I have to do. Take out the rancor and you are left with nothing left to do.
I hope I have
Removed the rancor
Judged judging back. Hold your Turf Law. Like OJ, proved himself to be stupid, violent, and a menace to society not long after being found absolutely completely innocent, your honor.
we don't believe what we don't want to believe.
I think Aspies, being used to going into fantasy worlds as a common defense mechanism [and here I thought I was a PLAYwright right write write...] have a better chance of recognizing denial in their own heads.\
I'm working. It doesn't happen often. I will deal with your bullshit later. That's why being unemployed outside your head is so stressful. You never get a break from your break. Peeps think you should be available for TheM 24/7.
or was that me thinking that?
I am totally uncool.
Dread causes stress which is a contributer to current condition. Multiplied Sclerosis. Open Heart Surgery. Decapitation with trepanning.
I can't tell you because you yell. I'm telling you at the wrong time. I told someone else first. I shouldn't be joking about it.
What about ME motherfucker. What about me? Can't get a word in edgewise. She is ringing just now. A psychic connection. Fuck me hard naked running backwards.
Stop calling me. I'm working. Yes, this is work. Mock it, say it's arrogant. Tant pis
If I can't fix you, by god, no one will. A doctor's sociopathic declaration of love.
You're not supposed to operate on your own famliy, dingbat.
NO
no
I will not address the bitch (I can call her that cause she's really a he. go figure) from between worlds.
My mother hasn't shown up. Duh. She would if she could. The lilac dresses. You know she didn't want to be seperated. You got lost in department stores, playing some sort of detective game in your head and getting lost and completely turned around.
Stop it! I CAN't draw attention to myself.
How can I tell you what's up with me without drawing attention to myself?
I'm having a terrible time with that currently. I've let myself go, physically. Made a consious decision not to give a shit.
In one physicans visit I got: Bad EKG, stress test ASAP (stress caused by trying to schedule stress test. who? obviously primary doesn't have a clue to administrative part of cardiac MD--YOU can't order a stress test. Who? In KW the choices are limited but present. (I want to say "I wish they weren't" but I have an odd phobia about the phrases: I wish and I'm glad that.
from childhood. at some point I realized 1) if I wished for something It would happen, but in the worst possible way and
2) If I used the phrase "I'm glad that..." Whatever it is I am glad about will be taken away.
maybe age 11? Something about missing a test...having to re-take it when the other kids got to go on the lawn! (not the macadam playground in back). A front-yard/not caged in rare spring treat. Even then, late 60's* there must have been fear of lawsuit if uncaged-in child got run over by a ... firetruck....
* You think I'm going to start talking about VietNam and Hair and shit now, but no. We were in the valley. A bubble of time warp back to when the coal mines shut down. NOW what do we do? Curtain #1: drink; Curtain #2: get a job (there are no jobs) Curtain #3: Invent an economy so you don't have to move. It'll never quite thrive; it will be flooded (1972 Agnes); burned (centralia); ignored and mocked alternately by its swiftly leaving youth.
Oh gods why am I on FB page "you're from Dupont?" gods help me to know myself. Help me not to lose the lessons but to loose the lessons onto a strange and stupid/stubborn population. I can't...I left but didn't make it there, couldn't make it anywhere, a ridiculous figure yet again. And small towns know how to ridicule. It's all they have to do. All we have to do. All I have to do. Take out the rancor and you are left with nothing left to do.
I hope I have
Removed the rancor
Judged judging back. Hold your Turf Law. Like OJ, proved himself to be stupid, violent, and a menace to society not long after being found absolutely completely innocent, your honor.
we don't believe what we don't want to believe.
I think Aspies, being used to going into fantasy worlds as a common defense mechanism [and here I thought I was a PLAYwright right write write...] have a better chance of recognizing denial in their own heads.\
I'm working. It doesn't happen often. I will deal with your bullshit later. That's why being unemployed outside your head is so stressful. You never get a break from your break. Peeps think you should be available for TheM 24/7.
or was that me thinking that?
I am totally uncool.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Retarded...Let's reclaim it. Like Queer
I was trying to explain how I feel, but every time I do it just sounds retarded.
Well, duh. I'm explaining the workings of a retarded brain. How is it supposed to sound?
But my Aspie stuff won't let me speak. It strangles me. I had my voice back once and it nearly killed me.
All this shit is stress related. But am I supposed to now go into a corner and chant Om? That's what I've been trying to do but my guilt and uncertainty* won't allow it except in brief spurts which are not fulfilling enough.
Everything is an interruption. That's all. I'll get back to where I was. Not game over yet. FAIL. Hell's bells.
*out, damned principle
Well, duh. I'm explaining the workings of a retarded brain. How is it supposed to sound?
But my Aspie stuff won't let me speak. It strangles me. I had my voice back once and it nearly killed me.
All this shit is stress related. But am I supposed to now go into a corner and chant Om? That's what I've been trying to do but my guilt and uncertainty* won't allow it except in brief spurts which are not fulfilling enough.
Everything is an interruption. That's all. I'll get back to where I was. Not game over yet. FAIL. Hell's bells.
*out, damned principle
Thursday, December 5, 2013
12 step Aspergers--not garden-variety but blooming at night only, or at 4 o'clock...can U be unique and still it works?
The gist of (mourning for the paths lost that exploring the word "gist" would open. focus)
I succumbed. It's actually quite interesting. It made no sense until I saw it was "legalese" a bizarre dialect designed by lawyers whose purpose is to insure it will only ever be understood by other lawyers, hence perpetuating the legal profession ad infinitim.
Now what were we talking about? I also walked the dog, dithered with K over whether or not I do need to come out of my room occationally. I have a story in my head I'm afraid to put into words because it is also my escape, and if I expose it...
the horror. This is an Aspie thing. I never knew that. It so makes sense. May I have the talent and courage to use my gift to explain shit
Always reaching reaching wretching I mean, come on. I wasn't always this way.
My heart is bad I tire easily but that just sounds like an excuse.
It took being called on at a meeting for me to find my place, to be able to say a little. What have I to say? A few tests next to a lost piece of self.
I want I don't know what I want/I need a kick in the butt but I don't need to be blugeoned. Over and over and over for my whole fucking life.
Off the merry go round. now. so happy to see the light at the end of a tunnel.
Asperger natural honesty tortuous path through 12 steps if unable to do them perfectly. And being hammered with how bad how very bad I am. Pointing finger literally.
I succumbed. It's actually quite interesting. It made no sense until I saw it was "legalese" a bizarre dialect designed by lawyers whose purpose is to insure it will only ever be understood by other lawyers, hence perpetuating the legal profession ad infinitim.
Now what were we talking about? I also walked the dog, dithered with K over whether or not I do need to come out of my room occationally. I have a story in my head I'm afraid to put into words because it is also my escape, and if I expose it...
the horror. This is an Aspie thing. I never knew that. It so makes sense. May I have the talent and courage to use my gift to explain shit
Always reaching reaching wretching I mean, come on. I wasn't always this way.
My heart is bad I tire easily but that just sounds like an excuse.
It took being called on at a meeting for me to find my place, to be able to say a little. What have I to say? A few tests next to a lost piece of self.
I want I don't know what I want/I need a kick in the butt but I don't need to be blugeoned. Over and over and over for my whole fucking life.
Off the merry go round. now. so happy to see the light at the end of a tunnel.
Asperger natural honesty tortuous path through 12 steps if unable to do them perfectly. And being hammered with how bad how very bad I am. Pointing finger literally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)